The Chameleon is a super sneaky lizard. He changes his skin color whenever he is sad so the flies come close to comfort him. But SURPRISE sucker, it was a trap! The chameleon wasn't sad at all! He was faking it so he could catch you in his mouth. Om nom nom.
The Praying mantis is a evil murderous faker. They pretend to be good paying churchgoing boys, but before you can decide if you're looking at a twig or a nun, they lunge forward and assassinate you. They catch and east things like bugs, frogs, and birds while they are still alive and squirming. Look up videos of praying mantises catching hummingbirds, it will melt your brain.
The Platypus is a freaky poison duck-beaver. It lives in holes and poisons people with its venom claw. It secretes milk through its fur so the babies can lick on them when they are hungry.
The Giraffe is the tallest mammal in the world. They got sexy long necks which they use for reaching leaves and battling with other giraffes. Look up giraffe fights on YouTube, it will blow your mind. Also in Denmark the zoos kill and dismember giraffes in front of children because, um, science.
The Alpaca is the stronger, better-looking cousin of the llama. People love them because hey have beautiful hair that is resistant to fire. People also force them into llama-alpaca baby making because their crazy cross-bred babies have even prettier hair.
Elephants are big dumb pigs with long noses. They ride bicycles for peanuts and never forget.
The narwhal is the penguin-stabbing unicorn of the sea. Or ocean. I'm not sure which. I was too busy drawing a stupid narwhal twice because Sketchbook doesn't let you undo merging layers. I know it gives you a warning each time, but when you're merging 3 layers together hitting that "confirm" button just becomes muscle memory. I don't sit there each time and ask myself if I'm really sure I understand the implications of pushing the last button I just pushed. Technology has trained me to push buttons. I just push buttons. I am a button pusher.
The Saki Monkey is a super hairy South American primate. South America has the best monkeys. The lady Saki Monkeys take care of babies while the man Saki Monkeys scream at eagles with their big dumb white faces. They've got sweet lives. Sometimes I wish I had a sweet life.
The Hagfish is a super gross fleshy snake thing that lives in the ocean. When animals try to eat them they ooze out slime from their skin so they get barfed up.
The Emperor Tamarin is a South American boss. They got super gangster moustaches like old German Kaisers. The Emperor Tamarins can stick out their tongues super far to impress each other and then the other Emperor Tamarins are all like "daaaang, that's gangster! Let me babysit for you!"
The Leopard Seal is a dick. All he does is swim and eat penguins in half. How could you eat a penguin?! I know they are delicious but they are so cute. Stop eating penguins you buttheads.
The Royal Flycatcher is a super pretty bird. When it gets scared it puffs up its feathers, opens its mouth, and wiggles its head around to scare other animals. People don't get scared by this. Instead they think it is cute so they catch Royal Flycatchers by the feet and record videos for YouTube. People are buttheads.
The Patagonian Mara is a crazy rodent that looks like a yorkie and a kangaroo and a bunny all mixed up. The mans and the ladies pair up and love each other very much, but that doesn't stop them from having wild swinger baby-making parties. When the Patagonian Maras pair up for baby-making, the man pees on the lady's butt and then the lady pees on the man's face. Seriously. But I guess some people pee on each other too, so its not that weird.
The Southern Right Whale Dolphin is a super slim curved dolphin with a modern design. They live near Antarctica and have no dorsal fins. But they do have nice slender bodies with tight little blowholes on the top of their heads.
Emperor Scorpions are freaky gangsters. They got big ol' claws and super poison tails. When they make babies, they sometimes stab and eat each other to death. Then the mommy Emperor Scorpions poop out ghost babies and gives them all piggy back rides.
The Zebra Duiker isn’t a zebra at all. Its a tiny antelope thing. You gotta be yourself and stop living in the shadow of others. Zebra Duikers are special just the way they are and they’ve got to own it!
The Philippine Tarsier is the smallest primate in the world. They've got pointy teeth because they catch and eat live bugs like grasshoppers and caterpillars. They are super suspicious and got shifty eyes and they only come out at night. They're up to something, I know it. One day they will unleash their plan upon us and we'll all know it and we'll wish we had paid more attention. But it'll be too late. Oh well.
The Hercules Beetle is the biggest beetle in the world. They are also worth hella bells. So you gotta get the frog to take you to the private island. Don't fall for his seductive songs. Chop down all the trees except for the palm trees, because that's where Hercules Beetles come from. Then at sunset all of the Hurculese beetles will show up and you can catch them all up to pay off your house. Baller!
When I was nine years old my dad built a chicken coop and raised hens in our back yard. One night we stumbled across an opossum sitting on the coop eating stolen eggs. Opossums are freaky as butts. They grab onto egg shells with their slimy little people fingers and stare into your heart with their glowing black eyes. This was the first time I learned what an opossum was.
The Milayan Tapir is a... What the heck? This thing is not a pig. It's not an elephant, a panda, an anteater, or a hippo. Its a big fat weirdo and I want to ride one. I bet he's a good friend and doesn't talk behind my back like other animals.
The Ant Mimicking Treehopper is a creepy weirdo grasshoppery thing. They they are super camouflage champions and got nasty growths on their heads that look like ants. Yuck.
The Brown Throated Sloth is a spicy South American hunk. The Brown Throated Sloth moves super slow because it only eats leaves because his stomach sucks at digesting food. The Brown Throated Sloth always poops in the same spot at the base of a tree so he can amass a collection and people won't forget him after he's gone. But he wonders if people even care about all the work he puts into it every day. Some days he don't WANT to do one of these, but he does it anyways because some twisted part of him needs to prove his value to himself even though deep down inside he doesn't think these even have any value. Sloths got problems.
The cuttlefish is a delicious hunk with a magnificent brain. It sucks at fighting, bit it can change its skin colors like magic.
The Black Panther isn't even a real thing. A Black Panther is just any big cat that has black fur. Usually Black Panthers are leopards or jaguars with melanism. That means there is no such thing as a panther, either! If anybody talks about a panther, they are usually talking about a puma or cougar. But that's dumb. Pumas and cougars should be called pumas and cougars because they are pumas and cougars.
The Hedgehog is a crazy flexible weirdo. They are super resistant to poison so they eat whatever the heck deadly stuff they want. They are REAL flexible. They do crazy yoga poses and slobber gross foamy poison spit all over their bodies.
The Lesser Mouse Deer is a little bunny-sized deer thing. It is the smallest hoofed mammal in the world. In Indonesia, the Lesser Mouse Deer wants to cross the river to eat the fruits, but the crocodiles will eat him up. So The Lesser Mouse Deer lies and says "Hey crocodiles! The king wants me to count you all, but don't you eat me or he will be pissed!" Then the crocodiles line up to be counted, but they don't realize they just made a bridge for the Lesser Mouse Deer! You dumb crocodiles. Now the Lesser Mouse Deer gets to eat up all the food and you get nothing.
The dhole is a foxy doggy thing that lives in the forest (I mean fox-like not sexy). Dholes are 3 grades below A-holes. The can cluck like chickens and pee while standing on their two front legs. They can also jump clean over my head, and I'm a pretty tall dude. And I mean REALLY pretty.
The Cockapoo (not to be confused with the kakapo) is the breed of dog you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel and a Poodle. Usually designer dogs are bred to have disgustingly cute exaggerated features so people can look at them and have rainbows melt out of their eye holes. But Cockapoos are just normal cute-dog cute, people only breed them so they have an excuse to say "cockapoo." I respect that level of commitment.
The Tiktaalik is a fish that died up a really look time ago. Usually animals die because people are buttholes, but Tiktaalik died before people even existed and were able to be buttholes. Tiktaalik had some really nice hips and could pivot its fins to crawl out of the water and across the sand.
Angora Rabbits are fat and fluffy. People keep them as pets and steal their hair because it is so soft.
Buffleheads are the cutest ducks ever because they are perpetually babies. They are super tiny and have giant buffalo heads. They can't sit still and they constantly shove their big ol' buffle heads underwater nonstop to buffle up worms and stuff.
Body lice like to crawl all over your body and chew you up and make you all itchy. They really like it when you don't shower and you wear the same shirt and jeans for a month straight. And when you go hug up your girlfriend, she gets lice too, and she's all like "See, you butthead! THAT's why you have to shower." And then the doctor gives you these stinky creams and stuff that feel all tingly. But I kind of like the way it feels, so in the end the whole experience is not so bad.
The Blue Sea Star is a slowpoke that doesn't have a brain and sucks up food through the eat-hole on its belly. You might think they are simple or dumb, but they are watching. Waiting. Scheming. Don't think down on them or they will remember. Blue Sea Stars never forget.
Julia Caterpillars think they are so cool. They are. As soon as they hatch all they do is eat as much as they can until they are fat enough to pupate. When they are fat enough they start pooping out silk like crazy until they are totally covered in it and it turns all hard and crusty. And then their insides melt and turn into goop and then they grow a new body and wings and fly away. They make me realize I was a boring baby, all I did was cry and poop poops and grow into a big nerd that was jealous of larva.
Yaks are cool. Chinese people cut off their hair to make fake beards so they can pretend to be somebody else and stomp around on stages. Mongolians ride them and smack their butts to make them run fast, but no matter how fast they go they can't outrun those paddles.
Lumpsuckers are fat little fishes that don't have scales and can't swim very well. Whenever they get scared they wiggle their tiny fins and hobble away like the chickens of the sea. Their bellies can stick to rocks so their fat little bodies don't roll away. They kind of suck at being fish but that's okay because they're so cute. They're so cute it hurts my soul. Also they are covered with tubercles and tubercles is a fun word to say. Tubercles.
The American Woodcock is the more vulgar version of the American Woodpecker. It's a squeaky little bird that does squeaky little bird things. It makes little squeaky noises before it does its squeaky bird chirp. And its wings squeak every time it flaps them. Other than that it's pretty boring. It just poops and eats worms and stuff.
The Tufted Puffin was eats fishes. Om nom nom nom. But when you scare her she's all like "Oh my!" And she drops all of those fishes! You crazy puffin, you.
The Axolotl is a super crazy fleshy salamander thing that looks like a cartoon or something. It's endangered because Mexicans keep eating them, aquariums keep kidnapping them, and scientists keep chopping them up. Scientists cut up their limbs and organs to watch them regrow because they think it's cool or something (it is). Scientists also do jerky things like give them spinal injuries and pull out their brains to see what happens. Why we always gotta be jerk faces and eff with their ess? The only thing Axolotls want is to dream and be free.
The vampire squid is a crazy thing with big creepy glowing eyes that lives super deep in the ocean. It's not actually a squid or an octopus or anything. Vampire squids are so freaky and weird that scientists classify them as their own species. They glow in the dark and when they get scared they turn inside out to hide their eyes and show off their gross squishy inside-spikes. Biologists giggle and call them pineapples, then they try to pull them out of the water, then they die, then scientists are like "well poops, oh well," and then they go play with their yo-yos our
The West African Lion is the king of West Africa like in that movie where that scar-faced lion was a butt-hole. Well, it used to be king, but after a six year investigation researchers are realizing they are just about all dead. We probably killed them all up or something. They could become extinct within the next five years. People are even bigger butt-holes than lion kings' uncles. Learning about animals is depressing.
The Short Snouted Spinner Dolphin is the result of a story full of passion, drama, taboo, and beautiful interspecies dolphin love. Their story doesn't involve a creepy farmer smoking in the dimly-lit corner forcing them into a loveless session of tear-filled donkey-on-horse boning. The love between the Spinner Dolphin and the Striped Dolphin is full of life and sensuality, and when they caress each other in true-love's embrace, they are rewarded with the beautiful new life of a Short Snouted Spinner Dolphin. Also, did you know that dolphins masturbate? Awesome.
Geoducks are clams that hide their heads in the sand. They have a large firm shaft that sticks out of the ground which syphons water and spurts out refuse. Some people like to eat geoducks. I don't, but that doesn't make me think poorly of anybody that does. If anything, I have a great respect for anybody who knows themself well enough to confidently and proudly say they do eat geoducks. I hate that people feel like they have to choose a side or something, can't you just be happy for somebody that has some bit of direction in their life?
The Pink Fairy Armadillo is always ready with built-in battle armor. The Great Deku Tree has sent her to help you solve puzzles while you are on your quest to rescue the time princess or something. You can use the Z-trigger to target things around you and your Pink Fairy Armadillo will give you more information.
Tummy Squiggles are jerks. They get inside my tummy and make it all gross and squiggly. Gross stuff comes out of my body and I don't want to eat ever again. But then my head hurts and I feel even worse because my body still needs food.
The ocean is effing huge. There are monsters in there and we don't even know it. We didn't know about the Megamouth shark until the 70's. The megamouth needs to go to bed because he is sleepy. Good night.
There are well over five species of birds, which is dumb. Most birds are just stupid old birds that eat worms and poop on cars and stuff. Birds don't need their own species unless they've got a funny name or look silly or something. Yellow Rails aren't even very yellow. There should really only be three species of birds: parrot, boobies, and big birds (Penguins don't count because they are fish).
The so-called "Araguaian Boto" can't make up his mind on the important political issues that you care about. Up until yesterday, he didn't even exist - Now he is endangered. Make up your mind! Are you alive or are you dead? Stop flip-flopping on the issues and make up your mind! "Araguaian Boto" isn't even his real name, that's just what some scientist guy wants to call him. He might as well be called "Araguian Fake Liar Pants." Araguian Boto, he isn't right for America, he isn't right for you.
Mudskippers are fish with really great abs. I mean REALLY great. They flex super good as they climb out of the water and if they wink at you your wishes will come true. But so will theirs, so be careful because they usually have super sexy wishes.
The dove has long been a symbol of peace, love, and beauty. But doves are really just white pigeons and pigeons are sticky and gross. When a white dove is set free in an urban environment, it makes excellent prey for more adapted birds because the white stands out so much. This is something important to know when releasing doves into the city as a sign of peace.
The Sun Bear is the honey-lovingest bear there is. This tiny bear hobbles around like a cute little baller and uses his wacky tongue to eat up bugs and honeycombs and stuff. When he's done for the day he chills out up in the tree branches like a tired little monkey dog or something. Too legit.
The Aye Aye is Latin for wiener monkey. It is a creepy hairy rat monkey thing that is used to make half of the world's chicken nuggets. Have you seen that nugget drive-through freak out video? This is her ultimate form.
The Scottish Fold is pretty okay as far as cats go. Mostly because it has floppy ears and acts like a friendly old dog. Most cats are hissy selfish buttholes, but not this guy. This guy is all like whatever.
The Garden Snail is a slow crunchy dumb-dumb. When the sidewalk gets wet that doesn't mean it's safe to hang out, I still use it for walking! Don't you know that you're shell isn't strong enough to stop my shoe? When I step on you it's so gross and it makes me jump around and squeal and I get super paranoid and have to stare at every footstep for the rest of my walk home. What a jerk face.
Today we celebrate a bonus bananimal of the day, the Giant Bananaconda. The Giant Bananaconda can grow to 30 feet long and hunts on land as well as the water. 5 to 8 times a year all of their skin peels off and gets replaces at once - instead of gradually, like people. They are often found in large bodies of water, such as the Banamazon River, where they can hold their breath for over 10 minutes - which is impressive when compared to humans, but not so impressive when compared to David Blaine.
Blue Dragons are tiny little slugs that are super pretty. They look like righteous laser beams from the future that taste like candy. But DO NOT eat them. They are dangerously venomous and will fill you up with deadly toxins and you will not be happy.
The Greater Flamingo is a crazy freaky bird. It honks like a monkey and eats up mouthfuls of mud so it can filter out all of the tiny critters inside. Their legs and necks bend in all sorts of crazy ways. The Romans thought they were freaky and weird so they ate Greater Flamingo tongues and pretended they were fancy.
The Peacock Spider is a super itty bitty spider that is super pretty. When man Peacock spiders want to get sexy with lady Peacock Spiders they unfold their butt, stick it in the air, and twerk it like a robot. If the ladies don't like it, they will eat the mans. If you've never seen them dance, you have to search for videos on the internets.
Shoebills are big-headed African storks. They got fat heads, big stork beaks, and long fine legs. They eat snakes and rats and fish and baby alligators and know what you are thinking. They think you are a loser.
The Potoo is a crazy bugeyed bird that lives in the Amazon. It is super camouflaged to look like a tree branch. Potoos don't make nests, instead they nurse a single egg while perched hidden on the end of a tree's branch. They have bug huge eyes and big huge mouths and that's cool.
The Sphynx is a freaky-gross hairless cat. This breed of cat was invented 40 years ago when some weirdos thought it would be fun to breed some gross mutant cats together. Now there are many of these cats and they are super expensive and warm. Some people give their cats tattoos, how effed up is that? Also the Sphynx sounds like this.
The Sea Lamprey is a gross teethy eel-looking thing. It latches onto fish with its sharp sucking funnel mouth and sucks out their blood until they die. There's a brazillion of them in the Great Lakes and they keep eating all the big fishes, and so there's no big fishes to eat the small fishes, and so there's like a brazillion small fishes, and so people try to kill up the Sea Lampreys to try to fix things. People always gotta try to fix all the things and kill all the animals.
The Japanese Raccoon Dog is a fat mischievous dog thing. He drinks sake, drums on his belly, and has huge balls. If you stumble across him, you are in for good luck, but don't trust him with your money because he will never give it back.
Yeti Crabs are crazy cool. They were discovered in 2005 living in the bottom of the ocean around super toxic gas that spews out of the earth. There's whole ecosystems that lives on hot poison earth farts and we didn't know anything about them until 30 years ago. Yeti Crabs have no eyes because the bottom of the ocean is dark and boring. They hang out in huge groups while gunk sifts through and collects in their hair so they can eat it.
The Gerenuk is a cool African antelope thing. They've got super long necks and stand on two legs to reach up and eat food off of prickly bushes and trees.
The Markhor is the most super kind of goat there is. They have crazier horns, cooler beards, and stink harder. the guy Markhors sumo wrestle with their horns to impress all the ladies.
Burmese Pythons are big huge snakes that eat big huge animals. Like alligators and fat babies. Normally people are too good at killing animals, but Burmese Pythons are out of control and we can't kill them too good enough. There are like a billion of them in the Florida Everglades and they wreck stuff up so every year they host a Burmese Python killing contest. People are crazy.
The Quetzal is a super pretty bird. The man quetzals get even prettier when they want to make baby quetzals with the lady quetzals. The Mayans and Incans new they were pretty so they would use their feathers to make pretend being pretty too. They are all dying now because we are smashing up their rainforests.
The Dumbo Octopus is a little bitty octopus that lives in the super deep deep ocean. Its ears aren't super huge or anything, but they're kinda big for an octopus I guess. They come in a bunch of different shapes, and all of them look silly.
Babirusas are nasty looking hippo pigs. They hang out in forests and eat up mud from mud holes (Hehe, mud holes). The man Babirusas have crazy gross teeth. Their bottom teeth come out of their mouth and curl up so they can stab each other. Their top teeth grow upside down, go through their skull, and come out the top of their snout so they can use then as battle armor, because other man Babirusas keep trying to stab them. Sometimes their teeth grow out of control and grow right back into their skulls and stab their own brains. That's what they get for always trying to stab each other, I guess.
The Naked Mole Rat is super gross in an almost cute kind of way. Scientists love them because they are magical and immune to cancer. I love them because I they are naked.
The Fossa is a big mongoose cat thing that lives in the trees. It jumps around and eats lemurs all day because they are hardcore. Maybe one day I will be hardcore too. Also they are almost all dead because people suck.
The Irrawaddy Dolphin is a buffle-headed dolphin that spits out water like he's cute or something. People are so good at killing animals that we kill these guys without even trying, but there's a few thousand left so well keep doing what we do.
The Golden Snub Nosed Monkey is a super rare Chinese monkey with big ol' lips. Big ol' lips are good for lots of things like giving big ol' kisses to big ol' ladies.
The Northern Snakehead Fish is a baller fish that eats up all the other fishes. But people like to eat them so they like them. But then some people start sneaking these fish to all these rivers and lakes where they don't belong and they eat everything up and other people freak out and then everybody is like "oops. Well whatever I guess."
The Tasmanian Devil is an insane monster. Whenever it's feeling sexy, or hungry, or irritated it turns into a spitting, snorting super freak that shrieks like a vampire. But not like a sexy sparkle vampire, like a gross melty zombie monster vampire. Tasmanian devils bite stronger than any other mamal, too. They bite right through meat and bones. Scary.
The Indian Muntjac is a total faker. They're not even Indian. They live in all bunches of Asian countries. He thinks his big ol' fangs will make him look more Indian. You're thinking of vampires you big dummy. Indians are the dudes that have beards and do yoga.
Kakapos have funny names. Lots of birds have funny names. I'm not sure what's up with birds and kakas and cockle-doodles and cocks and cockatoos and doodle-toos and all those other crazy names. All I know is I'm a big fan of the person that names birds. Also, not every daily animal drawing can be spectacular, I've got a life to live and I am very lazy, jeez.The Potoo is a crazy bugeyed bird that lives in the Amazon. It is super camouflaged to look like a tree branch. Potoos don't make nests, instead they nurse a single egg while perched hidden on the end of a tree's branch. They have bug huge eyes and big huge mouths and that's cool.
The Colugo is a super fleshy Asian mammal. They suck at walking and climbing, so they hop around and grab onto trees to eat up them leaves. They got gross skin flaps all up around their body so they can glide through the night while striking sexy poses and exposing themselves to the critters below.
The Komondor is a big ol' dog with big ol' hair. It is the hairiest dog in the world and has super cool dreadlocks. It is really big and strong and I could ride it like a horse.
The Giant Tokyo Lizard is a big freaky lizard that roars and messes junk up. It has a nuclear reactor for a heart and reproduces asexually by laying fertile eggs. He usually barfs out a blue laser thing but in the 1998 re-imagining he totally shot fire. Maybe they got confused and thought they were making a dragon movie.
Killer Whales are total jerk faces. they kill seals for fun. They don't kill people for fun, though. They only kill people after going crazy from being kidnapped, locked up in small tanks, starved, and forced to do tricks for admission paying children. That's really a stupid thing to do, anyways. Killer whales are some of the only whales to have teeth. Big whale teeth can chomp your butt up.