The Scottish Fold is pretty okay as far as cats go. Mostly because it has floppy ears and acts like a friendly old dog. Most cats are hissy selfish buttholes, but not this guy. This guy is all like whatever.
The Garden Snail is a slow crunchy dumb-dumb. When the sidewalk gets wet that doesn't mean it's safe to hang out, I still use it for walking! Don't you know that you're shell isn't strong enough to stop my shoe? When I step on you it's so gross and it makes me jump around and squeal and I get super paranoid and have to stare at every footstep for the rest of my walk home. What a jerk face.
Today we celebrate a bonus bananimal of the day, the Giant Bananaconda. The Giant Bananaconda can grow to 30 feet long and hunts on land as well as the water. 5 to 8 times a year all of their skin peels off and gets replaces at once - instead of gradually, like people. They are often found in large bodies of water, such as the Banamazon River, where they can hold their breath for over 10 minutes - which is impressive when compared to humans, but not so impressive when compared to David Blaine.
Blue Dragons are tiny little slugs that are super pretty. They look like righteous laser beams from the future that taste like candy. But DO NOT eat them. They are dangerously venomous and will fill you up with deadly toxins and you will not be happy.
The Greater Flamingo is a crazy freaky bird. It honks like a monkey and eats up mouthfuls of mud so it can filter out all of the tiny critters inside. Their legs and necks bend in all sorts of crazy ways. The Romans thought they were freaky and weird so they ate Greater Flamingo tongues and pretended they were fancy.
The Peacock Spider is a super itty bitty spider that is super pretty. When man Peacock spiders want to get sexy with lady Peacock Spiders they unfold their butt, stick it in the air, and twerk it like a robot. If the ladies don't like it, they will eat the mans. If you've never seen them dance, you have to search for videos on the internets.
Shoebills are big-headed African storks. They got fat heads, big stork beaks, and long fine legs. They eat snakes and rats and fish and baby alligators and know what you are thinking. They think you are a loser.
The Potoo is a crazy bugeyed bird that lives in the Amazon. It is super camouflaged to look like a tree branch. Potoos don't make nests, instead they nurse a single egg while perched hidden on the end of a tree's branch. They have bug huge eyes and big huge mouths and that's cool.
The Sphynx is a freaky-gross hairless cat. This breed of cat was invented 40 years ago when some weirdos thought it would be fun to breed some gross mutant cats together. Now there are many of these cats and they are super expensive and warm. Some people give their cats tattoos, how effed up is that? Also the Sphynx sounds like this.
The Sea Lamprey is a gross teethy eel-looking thing. It latches onto fish with its sharp sucking funnel mouth and sucks out their blood until they die. There's a brazillion of them in the Great Lakes and they keep eating all the big fishes, and so there's no big fishes to eat the small fishes, and so there's like a brazillion small fishes, and so people try to kill up the Sea Lampreys to try to fix things. People always gotta try to fix all the things and kill all the animals.
The Japanese Raccoon Dog is a fat mischievous dog thing. He drinks sake, drums on his belly, and has huge balls. If you stumble across him, you are in for good luck, but don't trust him with your money because he will never give it back.
Yeti Crabs are crazy cool. They were discovered in 2005 living in the bottom of the ocean around super toxic gas that spews out of the earth. There's whole ecosystems that lives on hot poison earth farts and we didn't know anything about them until 30 years ago. Yeti Crabs have no eyes because the bottom of the ocean is dark and boring. They hang out in huge groups while gunk sifts through and collects in their hair so they can eat it.
The Gerenuk is a cool African antelope thing. They've got super long necks and stand on two legs to reach up and eat food off of prickly bushes and trees.
The Markhor is the most super kind of goat there is. They have crazier horns, cooler beards, and stink harder. the guy Markhors sumo wrestle with their horns to impress all the ladies.
Burmese Pythons are big huge snakes that eat big huge animals. Like alligators and fat babies. Normally people are too good at killing animals, but Burmese Pythons are out of control and we can't kill them too good enough. There are like a billion of them in the Florida Everglades and they wreck stuff up so every year they host a Burmese Python killing contest. People are crazy.
The Quetzal is a super pretty bird. The man quetzals get even prettier when they want to make baby quetzals with the lady quetzals. The Mayans and Incans new they were pretty so they would use their feathers to make pretend being pretty too. They are all dying now because we are smashing up their rainforests.
The Dumbo Octopus is a little bitty octopus that lives in the super deep deep ocean. Its ears aren't super huge or anything, but they're kinda big for an octopus I guess. They come in a bunch of different shapes, and all of them look silly.
Babirusas are nasty looking hippo pigs. They hang out in forests and eat up mud from mud holes (Hehe, mud holes). The man Babirusas have crazy gross teeth. Their bottom teeth come out of their mouth and curl up so they can stab each other. Their top teeth grow upside down, go through their skull, and come out the top of their snout so they can use then as battle armor, because other man Babirusas keep trying to stab them. Sometimes their teeth grow out of control and grow right back into their skulls and stab their own brains. That's what they get for always trying to stab each other, I guess.
The Naked Mole Rat is super gross in an almost cute kind of way. Scientists love them because they are magical and immune to cancer. I love them because I they are naked.
The Fossa is a big mongoose cat thing that lives in the trees. It jumps around and eats lemurs all day because they are hardcore. Maybe one day I will be hardcore too. Also they are almost all dead because people suck.
The Irrawaddy Dolphin is a buffle-headed dolphin that spits out water like he's cute or something. People are so good at killing animals that we kill these guys without even trying, but there's a few thousand left so well keep doing what we do.
The Golden Snub Nosed Monkey is a super rare Chinese monkey with big ol' lips. Big ol' lips are good for lots of things like giving big ol' kisses to big ol' ladies.
The Northern Snakehead Fish is a baller fish that eats up all the other fishes. But people like to eat them so they like them. But then some people start sneaking these fish to all these rivers and lakes where they don't belong and they eat everything up and other people freak out and then everybody is like "oops. Well whatever I guess."
The Tasmanian Devil is an insane monster. Whenever it's feeling sexy, or hungry, or irritated it turns into a spitting, snorting super freak that shrieks like a vampire. But not like a sexy sparkle vampire, like a gross melty zombie monster vampire. Tasmanian devils bite stronger than any other mamal, too. They bite right through meat and bones. Scary.
The Indian Muntjac is a total faker. They're not even Indian. They live in all bunches of Asian countries. He thinks his big ol' fangs will make him look more Indian. You're thinking of vampires you big dummy. Indians are the dudes that have beards and do yoga.
Kakapos have funny names. Lots of birds have funny names. I'm not sure what's up with birds and kakas and cockle-doodles and cocks and cockatoos and doodle-toos and all those other crazy names. All I know is I'm a big fan of the person that names birds. Also, not every daily animal drawing can be spectacular, I've got a life to live and I am very lazy, jeez.The Potoo is a crazy bugeyed bird that lives in the Amazon. It is super camouflaged to look like a tree branch. Potoos don't make nests, instead they nurse a single egg while perched hidden on the end of a tree's branch. They have bug huge eyes and big huge mouths and that's cool.
The Colugo is a super fleshy Asian mammal. They suck at walking and climbing, so they hop around and grab onto trees to eat up them leaves. They got gross skin flaps all up around their body so they can glide through the night while striking sexy poses and exposing themselves to the critters below.
The Komondor is a big ol' dog with big ol' hair. It is the hairiest dog in the world and has super cool dreadlocks. It is really big and strong and I could ride it like a horse.
The Giant Tokyo Lizard is a big freaky lizard that roars and messes junk up. It has a nuclear reactor for a heart and reproduces asexually by laying fertile eggs. He usually barfs out a blue laser thing but in the 1998 re-imagining he totally shot fire. Maybe they got confused and thought they were making a dragon movie.
Killer Whales are total jerk faces. they kill seals for fun. They don't kill people for fun, though. They only kill people after going crazy from being kidnapped, locked up in small tanks, starved, and forced to do tricks for admission paying children. That's really a stupid thing to do, anyways. Killer whales are some of the only whales to have teeth. Big whale teeth can chomp your butt up.