The Black Panther isn't even a real thing. A Black Panther is just any big cat that has black fur. Usually Black Panthers are leopards or jaguars with melanism. That means there is no such thing as a panther, either! If anybody talks about a panther, they are usually talking about a puma or cougar. But that's dumb. Pumas and cougars should be called pumas and cougars because they are pumas and cougars.
The Hedgehog is a crazy flexible weirdo. They are super resistant to poison so they eat whatever the heck deadly stuff they want. They are REAL flexible. They do crazy yoga poses and slobber gross foamy poison spit all over their bodies.
The Lesser Mouse Deer is a little bunny-sized deer thing. It is the smallest hoofed mammal in the world. In Indonesia, the Lesser Mouse Deer wants to cross the river to eat the fruits, but the crocodiles will eat him up. So The Lesser Mouse Deer lies and says "Hey crocodiles! The king wants me to count you all, but don't you eat me or he will be pissed!" Then the crocodiles line up to be counted, but they don't realize they just made a bridge for the Lesser Mouse Deer! You dumb crocodiles. Now the Lesser Mouse Deer gets to eat up all the food and you get nothing.
The dhole is a foxy doggy thing that lives in the forest (I mean fox-like not sexy). Dholes are 3 grades below A-holes. The can cluck like chickens and pee while standing on their two front legs. They can also jump clean over my head, and I'm a pretty tall dude. And I mean REALLY pretty.
The Cockapoo (not to be confused with the kakapo) is the breed of dog you get when you cross a Cocker Spaniel and a Poodle. Usually designer dogs are bred to have disgustingly cute exaggerated features so people can look at them and have rainbows melt out of their eye holes. But Cockapoos are just normal cute-dog cute, people only breed them so they have an excuse to say "cockapoo." I respect that level of commitment.
The Tiktaalik is a fish that died up a really look time ago. Usually animals die because people are buttholes, but Tiktaalik died before people even existed and were able to be buttholes. Tiktaalik had some really nice hips and could pivot its fins to crawl out of the water and across the sand.
Buffleheads are the cutest ducks ever because they are perpetually babies. They are super tiny and have giant buffalo heads. They can't sit still and they constantly shove their big ol' buffle heads underwater nonstop to buffle up worms and stuff.
Body lice like to crawl all over your body and chew you up and make you all itchy. They really like it when you don't shower and you wear the same shirt and jeans for a month straight. And when you go hug up your girlfriend, she gets lice too, and she's all like "See, you butthead! THAT's why you have to shower." And then the doctor gives you these stinky creams and stuff that feel all tingly. But I kind of like the way it feels, so in the end the whole experience is not so bad.
The Blue Sea Star is a slowpoke that doesn't have a brain and sucks up food through the eat-hole on its belly. You might think they are simple or dumb, but they are watching. Waiting. Scheming. Don't think down on them or they will remember. Blue Sea Stars never forget.
Julia Caterpillars think they are so cool. They are. As soon as they hatch all they do is eat as much as they can until they are fat enough to pupate. When they are fat enough they start pooping out silk like crazy until they are totally covered in it and it turns all hard and crusty. And then their insides melt and turn into goop and then they grow a new body and wings and fly away. They make me realize I was a boring baby, all I did was cry and poop poops and grow into a big nerd that was jealous of larva.
Yaks are cool. Chinese people cut off their hair to make fake beards so they can pretend to be somebody else and stomp around on stages. Mongolians ride them and smack their butts to make them run fast, but no matter how fast they go they can't outrun those paddles.
Lumpsuckers are fat little fishes that don't have scales and can't swim very well. Whenever they get scared they wiggle their tiny fins and hobble away like the chickens of the sea. Their bellies can stick to rocks so their fat little bodies don't roll away. They kind of suck at being fish but that's okay because they're so cute. They're so cute it hurts my soul. Also they are covered with tubercles and tubercles is a fun word to say. Tubercles.
The American Woodcock is the more vulgar version of the American Woodpecker. It's a squeaky little bird that does squeaky little bird things. It makes little squeaky noises before it does its squeaky bird chirp. And its wings squeak every time it flaps them. Other than that it's pretty boring. It just poops and eats worms and stuff.
The Tufted Puffin was eats fishes. Om nom nom nom. But when you scare her she's all like "Oh my!" And she drops all of those fishes! You crazy puffin, you.
The Axolotl is a super crazy fleshy salamander thing that looks like a cartoon or something. It's endangered because Mexicans keep eating them, aquariums keep kidnapping them, and scientists keep chopping them up. Scientists cut up their limbs and organs to watch them regrow because they think it's cool or something (it is). Scientists also do jerky things like give them spinal injuries and pull out their brains to see what happens. Why we always gotta be jerk faces and eff with their ess? The only thing Axolotls want is to dream and be free.
The vampire squid is a crazy thing with big creepy glowing eyes that lives super deep in the ocean. It's not actually a squid or an octopus or anything. Vampire squids are so freaky and weird that scientists classify them as their own species. They glow in the dark and when they get scared they turn inside out to hide their eyes and show off their gross squishy inside-spikes. Biologists giggle and call them pineapples, then they try to pull them out of the water, then they die, then scientists are like "well poops, oh well," and then they go play with their yo-yos our
The West African Lion is the king of West Africa like in that movie where that scar-faced lion was a butt-hole. Well, it used to be king, but after a six year investigation researchers are realizing they are just about all dead. We probably killed them all up or something. They could become extinct within the next five years. People are even bigger butt-holes than lion kings' uncles. Learning about animals is depressing.
The Short Snouted Spinner Dolphin is the result of a story full of passion, drama, taboo, and beautiful interspecies dolphin love. Their story doesn't involve a creepy farmer smoking in the dimly-lit corner forcing them into a loveless session of tear-filled donkey-on-horse boning. The love between the Spinner Dolphin and the Striped Dolphin is full of life and sensuality, and when they caress each other in true-love's embrace, they are rewarded with the beautiful new life of a Short Snouted Spinner Dolphin. Also, did you know that dolphins masturbate? Awesome.
Geoducks are clams that hide their heads in the sand. They have a large firm shaft that sticks out of the ground which syphons water and spurts out refuse. Some people like to eat geoducks. I don't, but that doesn't make me think poorly of anybody that does. If anything, I have a great respect for anybody who knows themself well enough to confidently and proudly say they do eat geoducks. I hate that people feel like they have to choose a side or something, can't you just be happy for somebody that has some bit of direction in their life?
The Pink Fairy Armadillo is always ready with built-in battle armor. The Great Deku Tree has sent her to help you solve puzzles while you are on your quest to rescue the time princess or something. You can use the Z-trigger to target things around you and your Pink Fairy Armadillo will give you more information.
Tummy Squiggles are jerks. They get inside my tummy and make it all gross and squiggly. Gross stuff comes out of my body and I don't want to eat ever again. But then my head hurts and I feel even worse because my body still needs food.
The ocean is effing huge. There are monsters in there and we don't even know it. We didn't know about the Megamouth shark until the 70's. The megamouth needs to go to bed because he is sleepy. Good night.
There are well over five species of birds, which is dumb. Most birds are just stupid old birds that eat worms and poop on cars and stuff. Birds don't need their own species unless they've got a funny name or look silly or something. Yellow Rails aren't even very yellow. There should really only be three species of birds: parrot, boobies, and big birds (Penguins don't count because they are fish).
The so-called "Araguaian Boto" can't make up his mind on the important political issues that you care about. Up until yesterday, he didn't even exist - Now he is endangered. Make up your mind! Are you alive or are you dead? Stop flip-flopping on the issues and make up your mind! "Araguaian Boto" isn't even his real name, that's just what some scientist guy wants to call him. He might as well be called "Araguian Fake Liar Pants." Araguian Boto, he isn't right for America, he isn't right for you.
Mudskippers are fish with really great abs. I mean REALLY great. They flex super good as they climb out of the water and if they wink at you your wishes will come true. But so will theirs, so be careful because they usually have super sexy wishes.
The dove has long been a symbol of peace, love, and beauty. But doves are really just white pigeons and pigeons are sticky and gross. When a white dove is set free in an urban environment, it makes excellent prey for more adapted birds because the white stands out so much. This is something important to know when releasing doves into the city as a sign of peace.
The Sun Bear is the honey-lovingest bear there is. This tiny bear hobbles around like a cute little baller and uses his wacky tongue to eat up bugs and honeycombs and stuff. When he's done for the day he chills out up in the tree branches like a tired little monkey dog or something. Too legit.
The Aye Aye is Latin for wiener monkey. It is a creepy hairy rat monkey thing that is used to make half of the world's chicken nuggets. Have you seen that nugget drive-through freak out video? This is her ultimate form.