The Chameleon is a super sneaky lizard. He changes his skin color whenever he is sad so the flies come close to comfort him. But SURPRISE sucker, it was a trap! The chameleon wasn't sad at all! He was faking it so he could catch you in his mouth. Om nom nom.
The Praying mantis is a evil murderous faker. They pretend to be good praying churchgoing boys, but before you can decide if you're looking at a twig or a nun, they lunge forward and assassinate you. They catch and eat things while they are still alive and squirming. Look up videos of praying mantises catching hummingbirds, it will melt your brain.
The Platypus is a freaky poison duck-beaver. It lives in holes and poisons people with its venom claw. It secretes milk through its fur so the babies can lick on them when they are hungry.
The Giraffe is the tallest mammal in the world. They got sexy long necks which they use for reaching leaves and battling with other giraffes. Look up giraffe fights on YouTube, it will blow your mind. Also in Denmark the zoos kill and dismember giraffes in front of children because, um, science.
The Alpaca is the stronger, better-looking cousin of the llama. People love them because hey have beautiful hair that is resistant to fire. People also force them into llama-alpaca baby making because their crazy cross-bred babies have even prettier hair.
Elephants are big dumb pigs with long noses. They ride bicycles for peanuts and never forget.
The narwhal is the penguin-stabbing unicorn of the sea. Or ocean. I'm not sure which. I was too busy drawing a stupid narwhal twice because Sketchbook doesn't let you undo merging layers. I know it gives you a warning each time, but when you're merging 3 layers together hitting that "confirm" button just becomes muscle memory. I don't sit there each time and ask myself if I'm really sure I understand the implications of pushing the last button I just pushed. Technology has trained me to push buttons. I just push buttons. I am a button pusher.
The Saki Monkey is a super hairy South American primate. South America has the best monkeys. The lady Saki Monkeys take care of babies while the man Saki Monkeys scream at eagles with their big dumb white faces. They've got sweet lives. Sometimes I wish I had a sweet life.
The Hagfish is a super gross fleshy snake thing that lives in the ocean. When animals try to eat them they ooze out slime from their skin so they get barfed up.
The Emperor Tamarin is a South American boss. They got super gangster moustaches like old German Kaisers. The Emperor Tamarins can stick out their tongues super far to impress each other and then the other Emperor Tamarins are all like "daaaang, that's gangster! Let me babysit for you!"
The Leopard Seal is a dick. All he does is swim and eat penguins in half. How could you eat a penguin?! I know they are delicious but they are so cute. Stop eating penguins you buttheads.
The Royal Flycatcher is a super pretty bird. When it gets scared it puffs up its feathers, opens its mouth, and wiggles its head around to scare other animals. People don't get scared by this. Instead they think it is cute so they catch Royal Flycatchers by the feet and record videos for YouTube. People are buttheads.
The Patagonian Mara is a crazy rodent that looks like a yorkie and a kangaroo and a bunny all mixed up. The mans and the ladies pair up and love each other very much, but that doesn't stop them from having wild swinger baby-making parties. When the Patagonian Maras pair up for baby-making, the man pees on the lady's butt and then the lady pees on the man's face. Seriously. But I guess some people pee on each other too, so its not that weird.
The Southern Right Whale Dolphin is a super slim curved dolphin with a modern design. They live near Antarctica and have no dorsal fins. But they do have nice slender bodies with tight little blowholes on the top of their heads.
Emperor Scorpions are freaky gangsters. They got big ol' claws and super poison tails. When they make babies, they sometimes stab and eat each other to death. Then the mommy Emperor Scorpions poop out ghost babies and gives them all piggy back rides.
The Zebra Duiker isn’t a zebra at all. Its a tiny antelope thing. You gotta be yourself and stop living in the shadow of others. Zebra Duikers are special just the way they are and they’ve got to own it!
The Philippine Tarsier is the smallest primate in the world. They've got pointy teeth because they catch and eat live bugs like grasshoppers and caterpillars. They are super suspicious and got shifty eyes and they only come out at night. They're up to something, I know it. One day they will unleash their plan upon us and we'll all know it and we'll wish we had paid more attention. But it'll be too late. Oh well.
The Hercules Beetle is the biggest beetle in the world. They are also worth hella bells. So you gotta get the frog to take you to the private island. Don't fall for his seductive songs. Chop down all the trees except for the palm trees, because that's where Hercules Beetles come from. Then at sunset all of the Hurculese beetles will show up and you can catch them all up to pay off your house. Baller!
When I was nine years old my dad built a chicken coop and raised hens in our back yard. One night we stumbled across an opossum sitting on the coop eating stolen eggs. Opossums are freaky as butts. They grab onto egg shells with their slimy little people fingers and stare into your heart with their glowing black eyes. This was the first time I learned what an opossum was.
The Milayan Tapir is a... What the heck? This thing is not a pig. It's not an elephant, a panda, an anteater, or a hippo. Its a big fat weirdo and I want to ride one. I bet he's a good friend and doesn't talk behind my back like other animals.
The Ant Mimicking Treehopper is a creepy weirdo grasshoppery thing. They they are super camouflage champions and got nasty growths on their heads that look like ants. Yuck.
The Brown Throated Sloth is a spicy South American hunk. The Brown Throated Sloth moves super slow because it only eats leaves because his stomach sucks at digesting food. The Brown Throated Sloth always poops in the same spot at the base of a tree so he can amass a collection and people won't forget him after he's gone. But he wonders if people even care about all the work he puts into it every day. Some days he don't WANT to do one of these, but he does it anyways because some twisted part of him needs to prove his value to himself even though deep down inside he doesn't think these even have any value. Sloths got problems.